On April 18th I facilitated my Womb Wisdom Workshop. The timing was divine as it fell on the cycle of the new moon - a perfect time for going within, clarifying intentions and manifestation work.
Like a New Moon gazing upon it’s blank reflection in the sea
I journeyed into the womb to lose sight of me.
I went within and within that and within some more
Through door after after door after door
Portals within portals to explore.
Each threshold asked me to surrender
Through each gateway I lost a little more.
I shed away my name, my mask, my trades.
My flesh flew away, in this space time
continuum I was gripped.
To the core of my being my tissues were stripped
Oh what was in store for me what was in store
I wondered as I felt my structure disintegrate
Into dust and then that too downsizing more through each door.
All of my issues were flipped
Floating free of the limitation caused by belief
An embrace of nothingness
but no where
I became only particles –
Vibrations no more me
Pure potential – but nothing yet.
nothing to be
I am only fractals of everything I once knew
Now that my belief structure has been blown
What am I to do
I ask the heaviness to fall back into the mother –
the deepest deepest of the infinite spaces.
I ask the light to lift all it can
So I may feel light and float like a feather.
Looking into the darkness that is me
Further into truth I can see
Without that bright reflection to
Without all that belief
To bind me
I see the strength behind the darkness
And allow that truth to define me
Sometimes you must lose yourself
To see who you really are.
Where you are and what can be.
There really are infinite realities.
Like the empty reflection of a new moon on the sea
In the nothingness
I dive deeper into me
And all the possibility.
Back in Shakespearean times the word “die” was a pun synonamous with ejaculate. And indeed it is true – the death of millions of big headed swimmers is imminent.
Can you imagine? Entering the vaginal canal like a crowded high school hallway after summertime dismissal - everyone rambunctious and jockeying for a front position. Pushing onward, upward through the small cervical opening, moving into the cavernous space of the uterus. Could hope be the propelling force behind the determined sperm? Searching in the dark. If sperm could see would this dark space resemble our galaxy? A huge sphere floating in space. Would it be down fallopian tube A or B? Guided by a sense beyond our comprehension they swim faster, pushing harder, a race against all odds. Timing is essential. The winner of this prize is not the first to find the egg. Once the treasure is found hundreds die releasing an enzyme that will break down the outer membrane of the ovum. The winner of this lottery must arrive at the perfect time, in the perfect place to penetrate the barrier. Then the lucky winner dies too. Sacrificing life as a single celled sperm to become something much greater.
It begins there in the darkness. This darkness devours everything that resembles anything. A space of infinite potential but where nothing is. Have you ever been there? A complete breakdown of your reality. I have been there. Broken pavement embedded in my knees as I pounded the ground in protest against the twist of fate that landed my life in shambles. When carpet was pulled out from under my feet and the floor proceeded to crumble away leaving me to fall, arms flailing. Where the only safe place was my bed. My only friend a bottle of wine. My only wish to not wake up. I pulled the darkness close to me like a shroud protecting me from the judgment of others who I thought couldn’t possibly understand what I was going through. Afraid to let anyone close fearing they could catch my depression or catch on to my self loathing. My mind racing over the tracks that continuously played “What if …” “How could…. “ “ What if …” “How could…” “What if …” “ How could…” The inevitable complaint “It’s not fair” rising up like a speed bump before the race ended with an exhausted “Why?”.
I heard an interview on NPR with a scientist who documented the daily metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly. Have you ever thought about what occurs in the chrysalis? I hadn’t thought much about it – I assumed that the caterpillar just changed. I figured their body shrunk, developed a different fuzz for coverage and some wings sprouted out of their back. Voila – butterfly. It doesn’t work that way. This disciplined researcher sliced a chrysalis open daily. He found that the caterpillar completely disappears. The worm-like body completely breaks down – degenerating in to a state of mush. The caterpillar was most likely happy enough being a caterpillar. Do you think they have awareness as they spin the silky strands of their cocoon that it will also become their coffin? Do you think it is painful for the caterpillar? Will the butterfly have any memory of a former life? What it was like to crawl instead of fly?
This is the magic of metamorphosis. It happens in the darkness. The darkness of the womb. The darkness of the chrysalis. The darkness of your life. With it comes the death of all that doesn’t serve your highest good. Allow your being to be juiced. Allow your tears to fall freely. Seeds do not sprout under the harsh light of the sun. It is the wet black earth that nurtures the potential for one thing to become something else. Will you surrender completely to becoming greater than you can imagine on your own? In the darkness do not despair. Know that God really does care. Like the cells in the cocoon. Like the baby in the womb. The intelligence is beyond the mind. The organization is divine.
I would like to share with you the importance of this word.
Do not let it weigh you down.
There is only one responsibility you truly have.
You are fully responsible for living your life.
You are responsible for choosing your responsibilities carefully. Do not take on the responsibilities of others. Know your soul purpose. Do not be persuaded in taking on false responsibilities.
You are responsible for being your muse.
You are responsible for filling your own cup.
You are responsible for making your heart sing. Know what makes your lips curl into a smile and your eyes twinkle – and do more of it.
You are responsible for speaking your truth and acting in accordance with your words. It is up to you to find your truth – no one else can tell you what it is. If some one tries to give you a truth or purpose to carry on as your own be wary – I would say stay away – there are plenty out there who would love to distract you from your purpose to gain headway in theirs. Say “no thanks” and carry on.
It is your responsibility to be your version of your authentic self. Don’t water it down or try to make it look nice for someone else. This is YOUR Life. You are the only one who knows how to live it. No one else can tell you how.
It is your responsibility to take yourself to heart and gift yourself the time to do what is important to you. NO one else can do that for you.
It is your responsibility to embrace the greatness you are – recognizing that it Is not whole or complete without the flaws, without the darkness.
It is your responsibility to acknowledge that making no choice is a choice.
It is your responsibility to go within your own being to dredge up the answers you seek.
Live the life you came to this world to live – shine your light by just being you – it is enough.
Only you can do this. Only you.