Taming the Toxic Thought
There it was again. The Thought that makes my mind stink when it shows up. Standing so strong and proud like it belonged there. Like it belonged to me.
“You aren't wanted here.” It said blatantly. The Thought stood square with stick arms folded in front of it. “ You should go. No one likes you. Just turn around and leave.”
The strong Thought made me shrink back and check my surroundings, check myself. So much confidence radiated from the Thought. I felt as though it must be right and I must be wrong. The stinky thought was permeating through my brain and affecting my whole sense of self. The thought reeked of shame and the wrongness within me resonated with it so strongly I felt I must be wrong
And then I thought about the Thought. And I thought are you really so sure about that? Is that thought true? Really true? Where is this thought getting information? Where is the evidence that I am not wanted? How does it know I don’t belong? So I asked the thought “Are you really so sure? How do you know I am not wanted?”
Indignant the Thought rebuffed “Of course I am sure! After all when was the last time you were invited anywhere?” The Thought stood strongly in the corner of my mind and stepped forward pushing his boundaries, taking up as much space as it could.
I searched through the files of my mind to recall the last invitation I received. “I don't recall any invitations.”
“That's right!” Triumphantly the Thought declared. “That's right because you haven't been invited because no one wants you around. No one cares about you.”
The Thought was reeking of loathing and resentment. The putrid stench began to wrap around and squeeze my self worth. The more I experienced the stench of the Thought I became more suspicious of it being mine. I voiced my uncertainty. “I don't know about that. People seem really nice. They are also really busy. Even though I haven't received invitations I've been included in some activities. Everyone gets busy and it's hard to just keep up with your family and the friends you already have.”
The nastyThought mimicked me in a sugar sweet voice. “They seems really nice.” The Thought switched his demeanor to a hardened authority. “Who are you kidding? You know they think you're nuts.”
The Thought’s frankness was like a slap to the face. “I'm not sure that's really true.” I responded.
“Of course it is honey. I wouldn’t lie to you. After all - I'm your thought.”
“Maybe you are but maybe you're not my thought. Either way - you don't seem to be in my best interest.”’ I started to see the Thought as a big stinky problem in my mind. I was so much happier without this thought. Mine or not I would be better off without it.
“How can I be in anyone else’s interest?” The Thought scoffed at the possibility. “I'm your thought. I'm in your mind.”
“But I don't believe your true. True or not you're definitely not helping me out.”
“True?! Of course I'm true! I'm yours!”
“Prove it!” I demanded. “Prove it that you're really true - that…”
“I am true. I'm in your head. That's proof enough.”
I stood up to the big nasty thought. “I don't think so.” I hissed as I moved forward holding the ground of my mind sacred. “You prove it. Tell me how I can tell that no one wants me around. That no one likes me? Prove it. Prove that people think I'm crazy.”
The thought curled his lip and sneered. “You already know the truth. You are crazy.”
“I know I don’t like you in my head. That's the truth. I'd be better off without you. That's the truth too.”
The Thought hadn't backed up a bit. “Without me? You invented me. You invest in me constantly. That's the truth.”
I was indignant and getting pissed. “I can prove it that I'm liked. You though - you just stink. Even if people don't like me - I don't need to take it personally. I definitely don't need to let your toxic malodorous thoughts to fill my mind. If I do that I'll will feel crazy.”
The thought looked smaller.
“I can prove that I'm liked.” I repeated fully confident. “I like me.” I raised my chin up and looked the Thought square in the eye. “I like me and that's plenty.” The thought shrunk a little more. “I can prove I'm liked and wanted. You - you can't prove anything. I'm not listening to you. You need to leave now.”
The thought had shrunk even more and had moved further back into the corner. “I don't want to. I want to be your thought.”
“There is no room here for anything but my highest truth. Are you that?”
“You must go then.”
The thought shrunk until it simply disappeared.
And she continued to like herself for ever after.